this is why i dont fucking think about it. i cant fucking think about it. i cant even fucking write about it because i cant accept it as a part of me and its all i will be. it wont ever go. but i dont even fucking want it to. when my scars start to fade or i think they are i cant take it. i dont want them to go. when they go i’ll have nothing left. even though i fucking hate them at the same time. i dont want to be associated with people who do it too because ive convinced myself im not like them, im not. but i am. i cant deal with this.
there is no point to life. nothing matters in the end. it doesnt matter if you’ve had a good life or a shit life. you dont get any special treatment when you die. everything just seems so fucking pointless. i cant be bothered with life if this is all it is. everyone is just expected to do the same things. and for what? you go to school to be able to get a good job but it DOESNT FUCKING MATTER. all the jobs in the world benefit someone or future people. so im having a shit time at school just to benefit other shitheads in the future? great. and spend half my life at work for it. then the people i benefited will die eventually and it will be a waste. everything is just a waste. fair enough if you like life and want to live, but i dont. i wish a better version of me would come and replace me and keep living then i could just disappear.
i want to be enough for someone. i want to not be so awkward. i want to want to be alive. i want to be wanted. i want to not hate myself.